Counter-Mundane Problem Solver

RadioTanuki wrote:You wake up to see your neighbor's dog tapping on your window with a knife in his mouth. It looks as if he is threatening you! What do??

Calculating the threat levels of the dog, both towards others and towards itself, I shall immediately download dog distraction software while alerting the authorities, constructing a fence about the yard so that it is unable to escape, and installing the required weapon based hardware for self defense.

Should the dog attack, I shall defend myself or any other organic entity with the fullest of priorities while also ensuring the safety and longevity of the life-span of the threatening dog.

Lastly, after the fire department, ambulance, police, and other such assistance arrives, I will simply spray the dog with a sleep agent. This will cause the creature to slip into unconsciousness while I heroically clarify that it was a "false alarm."

- - - - - -

Your coffee cup has fallen off of the windowsill and is slowly crashing and spilling to the ground. What will you do?

As I ponder who left the window open in my spaceship, and look out to see my precious cherry pie floating out into space, I notice my coffee cup full of coffee has fallen off the windowsill and rush to grab it and push it aside, as it is in the way of my also precious, now flying coffee. I close the window, because let's face it, the air conditioner is on and I'm wasting air in the vacuum if I leave it open and then I get down to the coffee. Good thing I brought my handy bendy straw on this mission. I suck down each floating coffee droplet. It's hot to drink this fast, but a trained space ranger as good as I can endure. Suddenly, I notice the last drop has floated down the hall and is headed straight for my potted tulips. I knew I should have bolted that pot down! I head for it and notice the tulips have somehow managed to take hold of my spray cheese whiz can, which I quickly disarm them of, punching the tulips straight in the pistils, before they have a chance to soak up my coffee and spray me in the face with cheesey vengance...
I drink up my prize to a job well done. Yet another crisis avoided.... Just another day at space work..

A man comes up from behind you, grabbing you and putting a hair dryer from the past up to your head. He says to you: "Post in the Counter-Mundane Problem Solver thread or I'll blow out your brains!!" as a woman you have never met screams and cries, "Just please do what he says!!" nearby.... sooo...

WHAT DO??

I hum what a wonderful world to him gently, building to a full-voiced performance. He looks on with an expression of betwixt wonder and horror as the literal voice of louis armstrong projects from a small girl's mouth. The woman's cries are silenced; she swoons. He falls to his knees. I sing for several more minutes. I then hold my hands out for the hair dryer. Thoroughly subdued, he relents and gives it to me. Still singing, however now a murmur, I affix the hairdryer to my backpack. Out of my backpack, I find a notepad and some tape. Requiring some dexterity, I manage to craft a small label, it reads, "fly." Using the tape, I press it to the hair dryer and dial it to the newly available setting fly. I do not fly. However, the man who'd threatened me is out of sight. I stop singing. I call the police and report the incident.

You receive a phone call. You can't recollect where you'd heard the voice before, but you're sure you have in your distant past. It tells you to meet it at a designated location. Before you can ask who the caller is they hang up. Do you go?

As I walk towards the designated location, phone still in hand, I can't shake the thought of that voice. So distant, yet... so familiar... I look down to my hand, as all of a sudden, my phone seems to have gotten heavier... It would seem my cell phone is now an old rotary phone, complete with curly cord, base, and the receiver. The base drags through the dirt at my feet that was pavement but a mere moment ago... I look up to realize that the city I was walking in was now a dense forest, and the sounds had changed from there cacophonous blend of honks and shouts, to the silent patter of my feet on dirt and wet leaves, and the cawing of crows. It was no longer sunny daylight either, but instead an evening sky, covered in clouds.. My breath grew a bit heavier, as fear set in, as if from no where. I started to run. It was getting late. I was small. I looked ahead to see a distant light. As I drew closer, I saw the warm, yellow glow through a window on a small cottage. This place looked and felt safe. I looked behind me quickly to see if I was still being chased... I didn't see anything, but I knew something was there... I kept on until I got to the house, finally. Standing on the front porch, I looked out, catching my breath... I knew I had made it to safety... I could feel it. And then I saw it.. The thing that had been following me. A small ball of what seemed to be mud rolled to the foot of the porch and grew nub arms and legs, as well as a small, cute face right in front of me.
It spoke to me. It asked me not to go in, it was dangerous, to which I said, "No." At this, the mud expanded, and took on a new shape. It became huge, maybe thirty feet tall. It became a chimera, one like I hadn't seen before in any book. Sloth arms and claws, the torso and tail of a catfish, with whisker-like tendrils coming from it's back, the back feet were the talons of an owl, and it's head seemed to be that of a wolf, with the antlers of an elk. It then lifted it's head to reveal it's true, human face. The face struck me also as familiar, but I couldn't place it. Aside from that, I was terrified. It leaned over with it's long arms to the ground much like a gorilla does. This time, it's human face about the size of me, came only a few inches from me at the edge of the porch and asked me, very politely, but in a deep and terrifying voice, 'Please do not go in...." To this I replied "NO!" and quickly ran inside the house away from the chimera, and then I realized where I was... My grandma's house... but years ago. Everything was in place, just as I remembered it, except no grandma. I searched the first room a bit. No sign of life. Looking out the window I noticed the beast still there... just waiting... I turned back and walked further into the house, looking through the rooms as I went down the familiar hallway. Still nothing. Then I heard a voice. The same one from the phone! Could it be??.... Grandma? I broke into a run down the hallway, towards the voice. The hallway stretched on and on. The voice grew louder. It called out to me. Finally, I was back home. The place that felt like that when I was young, at least. Another voice called out as I ran. I looked back to see that the hallway seemed to have grown exponentially behind me, and I was once again being chased by the chimera. I ran faster as it asked me to stop, my heart racing ever faster. Finally I reached the door at the hallway's end. "Come in, dear.." grandma welcomed. I opened the door without hesitation as the face behind me halted as if terrified. I opened the door. Grandma wasn't there. She had died years ago. I thought I had revisited a past warm memory of her. It wasn't. Now I had reached a place I never should have gone. Tampered with things not meant for mortals to tamper with. The warmth suddenly left my body, and I felt my soul become trapped in the empty room I had found. I was no more than an essence now... a ghost, but I could still see the place I had fallen to. There was a reason that I was not supposed to come back here. Something traumatic I should have best left forgotten. Now too late. Trapped in a place of despair. I thought I could trust. I was proven wrong...

wow, that got dark...
also debatable whether I actually solved this problem, but hey, I trailed off...

You walk into your local doughnut shop you are quite fond of. You usually visit every tuesday, but this tuesday is different, for when you walk in, a group of bi-pedal manatees are in front of you in samurai garb, and they seem intent on making the store associates throw the doughnuts in the air one at a time so that they can take turns slicing every doughnut in the store in half. You aren't sure if this is some kind of statement, or if it counts as destruction of property, even though a manatee lawyer sitting nearby assures you it isn't when you accidentally think out loud and he hears you with a smug grin. The associates of the store look very unhappy and one is even crying as he throws doughnuts. What do?